Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
