If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
