i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
