Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize