my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize