i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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