There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
