college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
