It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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