Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
