She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
