y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
