sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
