I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
