Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
