My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
