When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
