Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
