I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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