He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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