and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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