Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
