Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
