Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
