Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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