I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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