The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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