i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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