I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
