im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize