dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
