pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
