All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
