I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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