I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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