pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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