My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
