my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
