Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
