I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
