Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
