I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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