If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
