i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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