turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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