the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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