RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
