Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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