You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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