I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
