I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
