He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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