Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
