totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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