When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
