considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
