I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
