when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
