Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize