Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
