you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
