$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize