he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And then my night got REAL pukey
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
