dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize