Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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